when the world was flat

1:17am: I just had the most relaxing and genuinely happy moment I've had in so long, for no reason at all, on a seemingly boring and crappy day. I feel good.

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

12:30am: We've all turned out to be exactly who we were to begin with. Why did we fight it so hard along the way?

We spend all of our time talking about growth. I'm gunna spend forever talking about forever. Jokes on us, right?

8:25pm: All this scrambling around
Hunting high and then low
Looking for a face, love
Or somewhere to go
I hardly have places that I need to go
Because you're the places that I wanted to go

1:16pm: Well I know what I have and want, but I don't know what I need.
Life is so overwhelming. But I love it regardless, unconditionally.

There are some days where I feel like I can do anything and that everything will be okay. I know this is true, I wish I could feel like this all the time.

8:09pm: Sometimes I have these epiphanies about life, and somehow I sort everything out in my head when it comes to what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. And in these moments, it all totally makes sense and I know exactly how I'm going to go about everything, how I'm going to deal with the situations at hand and get over them. Everything makes sense, and I decide to be done with stressing about school or roommates or boyfriends or everything.

And then sometimes things change.
And even if this change is just within my head, it always has a way for throwing me for a loop. I think about five hundred things at once..I make ridiculous amounts of lists. But these lists go on and on and on...they have to do with classes I'll be taking, what I'm going to do after I graduate, WHEN I'm going to graduate...and then it gets down to things like cleaning my room..what clothes I need to put in a box and bring home...how things are with Brendan...this and that and this and that. And if I tried to make a list about all of these things...I would spend all my time making these lists and not actually doing anything. When I stress about one thing it brings on the next. I think that one thing will make everything better and that happens and nothing is better. And it all gets about as confusing to me as this whole paragraph is.

Which leaves me at a place where I need to come to terms with the fact that sometimes things will make sense, and sometimes they won't. I need to plan to a certain extent but leave it flexible because THINGS CHANGE. A year ago I did have a plan, but what I'm doing right now had nothing to do with that plan. It evolved and changed and became something new.

Even bad things help your plan move along, this is hard to remember. I am trying to always tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I've come to the point where I really do believe this and cannot think of a single thing in my life that I would change or take back, because without it all I wouldn't be who I am now. I'll never be satisfied with life, I've also come to realize this. We tell ourselves that were working towards "something"- a goal that once we reach that everything will be peachy. Right now I tell myself...if I could be 120 pounds everything would be ok. If I could just graduate ASAP everything will be ok. If I can just figure out where I'm going to live after I graduate everything with be ok. And I even get nutso in thinking things like "well once I get married everything will be ok". wtf! Things change, people change, people leave.

So this is also where I come to a point that I need to remind myself not to be crazy. Everything will be okay, I know this. I'm more than satisfied with life, even happy. I'll never feel smart enough, collected enough, skinny enough, happy enough. I feel vulnerable, scared. But I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't have him any other way, I wouldn't change the way things are because even though some things suck, maybe the amazing things wouldn't be here either. I wouldn't give up what I'm doing right now even if you told me that in a year from now I'll be hurt because it's all worth it. Life is worth it, and it's worth a try.And here, at the end of this strange ramble that I know no one will even read, I can't even remember why I started writing it.



"It's funny how life can change at the drop of a dime
All it takes is a little faith that everything is fine
So I raise my glass to better times
I'm glad that I didn't miss my chance to see and end to misery"

2:25pm: Could I be possibly insane to think you and I have life figured out and how does one approach this
when all our past loves have let us down?

11:29pm: I'm a goob

1:02am: If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you oh please
Dont run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Dont hurt my pride like her
cause I couldnt stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

2:07am: Oh dear goodness gracious I am so happy with this boy!


but afterall, amanda, you already knew this and will probably be the only one to see this so it seems as if i'm repeating myself;)

7:03pm: I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.









i love my new apartment and my new life :)

2:24am: I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

4:16am: The last few months of my life have shown me, more than ever before, that everything happens for a reason. We don't always know why they happen..and things don't always seem fair...but in the end I hope the universe is putting things into their place. I hope that the things I suffer from only make me stronger and in the long run make me a happier person. I hope these lessons I've had to learn are ones that will back me up for the rest of my life when it comes to the choices and decisions I make. Man will make mistakes for as long as we live. All we can do is grow, and hope for the best. There will always be things left behind and things to miss. I'm happier with myself that I can ever remember being, simply because I am proud of who I am becoming, and I don't ever want someone to change that about me. I am proud of the decisions I've made, even though some of them have been hard. I'm not perfect and never will be..but you will never be happy if perfection is your goal. You will never be happy if you look at the world negatively and wait for it to prove it to you..look at it positively. And don't deny someone or something until they give you reason to. You have one life, make it your own.




I wrote this a few days ago.
I have never before realized the beauty in life. And ironically, I have had to feel the worst pain I have ever felt. I won't talk it up, or be inconspicuous. I have been left (in a sense, I suppose. And in reality I am the one doing the leaving). And another person has already slid into my place. I know it is hard for him. But it is really hard for me. i don't even know what to feel, what to think.


Yet....with all this hurt....I am still managing to see how beautiful life is. How amazing it is going to be...how happy I still am. We can't be capable of the strongest of hurt without also being capable of the strongest of love...


I know none of this is making sense. But it makes sense to me at this point in time and life. And that's all that matters.


We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.

11:57pm:

1:29pm: Do you know there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Oh believe me, there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy,
If only you'd try.

12:09pm: joaquin
on a side note....



wonder if this guy


will ever be this guy again




i hope so.


excuse me! i don't just mean his looks....

11:50pm: LIFE
There's so many things I want to do this summer...
I know I'm moving in the right direction, I just need to keep it up
Little things can always be changed..it's the big things that matter. And when it comes to the big things I know I'm right on track.
I have to stay committed to starting and completing everything I want to do.

I'm finally moving out of my house in August.I'm SO EXCITED for what's ahead of me.

glücklich : )

7:35pm: Could it be I am mistaken, have I stolen somebody’s baby?
Is it possible for two people to need the same thing?




It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried
And it's so far from any wanting
Yeah, it needs this to keep beating
It won't go on without it
If I'm still weighed down with subtleties
Then I'll just come right out and say
That I think that I deserve her
More than anyone deserves anything
Maybe I am selfish, but there is no way to share this
There’s not enough to go around, I don’t care who else gets hurt

10:35pm: cause I know you can't hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won't jump when he falls in love
he just stands with his toes on the edge
and he waits for it do disappear again

6:27pm: I'll just come out and say it, I think i deserve this
little treasure

9:26pm: "i love our inspirational talks cause even me saying it makes me believe it more even though sometimes it feels like total bullshit"

12:35am: This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

6:13pm: growing out the bangs cuz they make me look fat. EW

1:22am: hodge podge life
It's been hella long........

It's 1:22 a.m. and I'm barely starting on my book review of "Night" due tomorrow. I've felt terribly sick from the Taco Bell I had for dinner (we keep it classy at the Hop house) and I'm just freakin tired. I almost don't even want to start writing it...because I feel like I'm doing the book a horrible unjust by writing a shitty paper about it. things about and from the holocaust are so moving to me and I hate that I'm going to write a junky paper about it.

"Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed....Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never."



And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but
"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me
cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."


tabs i have open right now:
-Night Book Notes
-Night: Book Summary
-Livejournal
-Buckle.com
-Facebook
-Night book review
-thesaurus.com
-victoriassecret.com

what am I doing!?



3:37

this is all I have written...time to sleep and finish the rest in a few hours.

It is not often that a piece of literature serves as a true and undistorted insight into a time other than that in which we live. As a reader, we believe that the truth is what we strive for, what we are attempting to grasp. However, that truth can sometimes be difficult to face when it displays the world not as we wish it were, but as it really is. “Night” by Elie Wiesel is a stark and haunting image of reality during the tenure of Hitler’s Germany. The composition is short, at only 120 pages “Night” manages to leave you with a new understanding of the holocaust in its’ entirety. Wiesel’s words are compelling and the story is interesting, yet when it is finished one is left with a heavy heart, and a strange desire for a more pleasant or fulfilling ending. This is the reality within “Night”. There is no happy ending, meaningful resolution, or return to the once persistent faith held by the author and character. Awareness is raised, and sizeable questions about the true meaning of humanity are asked by all who discover Wiesel’s memorable words; “Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed. Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never.” (Wiesel 32).

12:21am: some of my favorites that i have saved over time

11:06pm: how stupid....
is it that i get SERIOUSLY upset with myself for having cut my hair off over a year ago?
cause i do............alot.